*despite the lack of sleep I'm not tired. I'm driven. I'm erotic. I'm insane with lust. I want this.

It wakes me up in the middle of the night (3am to be exact)
a blanket of insecurities pulled tight
around my throat
constrict
unconstrict
block
unblock
write.
“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.” 
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles

There are only a few things I am certain of (currently). - I can't not.
A double negative when drawn abstractly can be a positive. A cross. +

1.) I am certain that I am not alone.

This 3am calling, the lists I write in my head, the artworks I draw over and over
are taking (over). It's maddening.
..and exciting.
Waiting for the chatter of the birds to bring me upright.
Write.

2.) I am certain that the universe (myself) has very specific intent for me (universe).

3.) I will continue to give it all away, day after day - to make art.

“We must do our work for its own sake, not for fortune or attention or applause.” 
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles

*despite the lack of sleep I'm not tired.
I'm driven.
I'm erotic.
I'm insane with lust.
I want this.

I'm an addict again. (transference)

I'm a wife again.
My wedding dress - a white canvas (wood).

I drew you in. (Youniverse)

4.) At the end of my arm there is an extension of myself that must create daily. It's often hard for others to understand (assumption) and I try to blend into the normal (society) but I'm removed. I am in an artwork that I have yet created.
Every blink is an eyelid full of potential. An assemblage. A collection of what I've lost (found).

5.) I'm only writing this to pass the time so that I can get up and start to work. (play)
6.) I try to be interesting on paper (monitor)..because in real life I try really hard to be dull and it's a shame that I have to market myself like this...I hope that someday I don't have to anymore.
7.) I wish the world (myself included) wasn't so obsessed with social media; and that they would take the time they spend online in a community garden or volunteering. (The extension of positive energy into the universe is the only shit that stops war(s)).

“The working artist will not tolerate trouble in her life because she knows trouble prevents her from doing her work.”
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles

8.) I love. I am certain that I love. (I wasn't always certain of that). xo

There's a science to walking through windows..

"I am not my rosy self
Left my roses on my shelf
Take the wild ones, they're my favorites
It's the side effects that save us"





It's been a year. I think back to it often enough but the months surrounding it are a blur. How my body got from that state to this state is a complete unknown. Years of pain piled up on a skeleton that resembled a shattered mirror of itself. I don't talk about it a lot...if at all - but it's a constant. The things we do to protect ourselves. I've decided to honor myself and the temple that carried you for a sacred moment by returning to the skin I was in then. I don't want to carry around your ghost anymore in the holes of my pockets.

It's time.

"I'm trying, but I've gone
Through the glass again
Just come and find me
God loves everybody, don't remind me
I took the medicine and I went missing
Just let me hear your voice, just let me listen"

You gave me the strength to decide that I was worth it...thank you. I've forgiven myself for the failures and for the flaws. I now wear only a decorated crown of your memories. A cloak of the hurt hung at the door.

It's time.

I used to always know when I was on the right path by the appearance if a downy woodpecker, a symbol of fertility - my spirit animal. You showed up today in so many ways. Last year it was in the form of a cross.

I have the power of rhythm in my blood. The grand cardinal crossing is happening right now and I've done the work. I put crystals in the woods and allowed the light to pass thru me and onto you.

Freedom.

I will adorn with nourishment and love. I will feed you nothing but potential. Thank you for staying strong enough to carry the weight of loss and for recognizing that it's time to shed your skin and fit back into the you that is strong enough to carry the lightness of love.

Grace.







(Lyrics from Graceless by The National)