It's time to reel it back in.
Hana Pa'a.
I'm often surprised at how far gone kindness is.
How self absorbed most people are.
How saying what you mean and meaning what you say seems like a lost language.
There's a walk that I frequently take my dog on in the woods near my house. It's a healthy loop so we both spend some time frolicking and kicking dirt. After a recent storm that downed a few trees I found and saved a pinned sapling.
Each time I would walk Lunar I would be sure to make the loop, check on the tree - give it some love and energy (trees are said to be able to absorb a lot of our problems if you touch them; years of experience dealing with us and our poor decisions I suppose).
Shortly after the storm, the park service came and cut up the fallen tree that had originally pinned the sapling; and for the second time I found the sapling stuck under a cut log. I picked it back up - realizing that twice down was a much harder recovery (having visited that metaphor many times in my life). Still I continued my due diligence to my woodland family member. The chosen one.
Today...I really needed help.
I asked for help and then shortly after I realized that it was time to stop asking for help.
I need to pick myself back up. Somethings been pinning me down lately too.
Not that I was asking for anything huge. I just needed a break and some time to work and
my time is not someone else's time. It is only my own.
Because of this I needed to run Lunar. He's still a puppy and although we had already been on a huge walk it just wasn't enough for him to relax or for me to be able to get any work done.
I did the loop angrily. I thought it would calm me down but each step was only upsetting me further since the only thing I really wanted to do/needed to do was work today. Here I was in the woods. You would think I would have been able to enjoy it. I stayed longer than usual just in hopes that Lunar would exhaust himself and not vibe off of my negative energy.
I do the same loop about 5 times a week. Today....
it just wasn't going to let me get out of there the same.
The sapling was dead. When I ran the last trail to where I normally stop and give love to this little tree that I so desperately tried to save. I realized I had failed.
I'm failing.
Needless to say I lost my shit, crying in the woods, hoping no one would come by and try to understand how fucked up my relationship with this situation was.
I just really wanted it to live. I really thought that I could save it.
I really think I can help people.
I try so hard to be selfless and help people and I just needed a break today.
I needed the tree not to be dead but it's dead.
...and I need to stop helping people and start helping myself because soon enough
the story's gonna be the same. I've been putting everyone and everything first and the only thing I keep seeing happen is that my art is suffering.
I'm suffering.
I'm no different then the pinned sapling. It never asked me to save it - I just really believed I could. Perhaps it was happier in the down.
Seems to be the story around here.
I'm just not interested in that ending.
Hana Pa'a.
