True North.
What does this show mean to me? It has been such a struggle trying to figure out what I'm doing with this art. I still don't know. Honestly, when I think about this month, these past few months, this past year I often feel bad for handling it as well as I have. For finally getting to the point where I have enough information that I finally understand how to choose happiness.
I did The Artists Way January until April of 2014.
I didn't talk about it - (and I talk about stuff because as an artist, a public figure, someone who really cares and wants to make a difference in the goodness that exists (at least in my world - daily) I think that my art and my voice have a visual connection. It's important to me that I use these two things to share the love...)
You see, you aren't allowed to talk about The Artists Way (aka Fight Club..I swear). I did it because I needed something to keep me focused off of what was going on with my dad. I needed guidance and it fell into my lap and it made me do the work. I did the work; it was really hard but I found a few things out about myself that have been holding me back from my purpose, my intent. Obstacles that come my way are always extreme and constant. I've been pissed off for years throwing blame into the sky...the whole why me thing.
Losing the baby last June (note the month) really showed me what it felt like to have a broken heart. It also really made me question this body. It's hard not to put blame somewhere when bad shit happens. I decided, after doing The Artists Way - that I had blamed this body; this amazing creative machine for so much of the pain in my life. The reason why I am a blocked artist is because I haven't honored my body..I haven't always treated it kindly. I've compared my West Coast body to my East Coast body for years.
The Artist Way taught me to take myself for walks and look at the trees, and to spend sweet moments with myself, to spend time on acknowledgement and forgiveness.
After 16 weeks; sure enough - I felt open. I literally had a moment where I felt my heart chakra burst wide open (sorry if I'm being too Asheville for you, but it's the truth). I embraced the opportunity that I had for love...but mostly to give love.
It doesn't always go easy for me...as quickly as I open up I close back up. I decided I wanted to do a fast for the month of May. To finally put into action a system of honoring my body for its creativity. Strengthen the core. Last May was the only full month of my life I was ever pregnant. (Of course..you know where I was when I realized I was pregnant - on a 15 ft. ladder cleaning the top of a vintage bus.) I wanted to stop blaming this body for it's failure to carry a baby and honor it with it's ability to carry this creativity. I told someone this and their reply was "So, you are punishing yourself?"
...and that stopped me.
I thought...am I?
Am I doing it again..without even knowing it am I repeating the behavior that I have been engaging in for years? It kinda put me down for a few days because it's a hard thing to know when you are being an extremist - and as an Aries; I've been known for extremes to say the least. Was I punishing myself..good question. Better answer -
No. Not at all.
This is how I figured it out. True North. What is the reason of this show..this art? I sat here and stared at these maps more than I made art on them this month. I had nothing. I thought the fast would give me the restful time and space to be creative but instead it made me crazy(er). I was foggy, distracted, moody...etc..ALL of the things that come with fasting. In this struggle though and dealing again with heartbreak on a different level I realized something...
because of The Artist Way that there didn't need to be a story about why this is True North.
It really is my True North. Making art is the only thing I need to do. Creating, engaging in creating, looking at art, making art, being art, that's all. True North is exactly that...just doing it. It's right now..I was involved in the meaning of my show...who cares about the show.
Who cares if it's my best work ever, or not, or even if it makes sense to anyone but me...it only matters that I do it. Everyday, all of the time. This body, and treating it kindly, is the only way I can make this art.
"You take care of the quantity, I will take care of the quality". -The Artists Way or God or True Source..whoever it is for you - Mr. Fucking Rainbow.
Yes. I did this for me. All of it. So that I can be better for you. YOU.
Universe. I am inviting love into my life with open arms...and if it doesn't come these arms are strong enough to wrap around and hug myself.
When the hurt of the loss comes in - in any situation now; even the most recent on with Lunar - I let myself revisit crazy fuck all Maryanne and then I pass it thru me and out pops this courageous, kind, amazing person I'm just getting to know.
It's an adventure - True North; my everyday is my best art show. xo
