It's funny because this is an emotion I have noted myself lacking in the past;
so to have it present itself - is new. Almost unfamiliar.
Overwhelmingly unfamiliar. Distracting.
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I was asked yesterday how I "channel my angst". Angst is such a cliched word to use
in regards to the artist. Do I have angst?
angst [æŋst (German) aŋst]n
1. an acute but nonspecific sense of anxiety or remorse
2.
(Philosophy) (in Existentialist philosophy) the dread caused by man's
awareness that his future is not determined but must be freely chosenI definitely have grocery/department store angst.
In general though...I'm pretty solid. I don't spend time on things that are out of my control.
I am, however, at times - completely out of control.
I do this weird thing whenever I have a big deadline - or a show. I'm completely focused on my art, 100% dedicated to it and nothing else 90% of the time.
It never fails though...when the last thing in the world that I should be doing is dating;
I start to date. It's intentional. I can almost feel it creep over me.
The desire to create angst. Most of my days are pretty simple. I wake up with an unquenchable desire to create.
I drink a glass of water and stare at my drafting table. I often don't even change out of my pj's. I want to feel charcoal on my fingers. Line to page, music to lyric. It pulses thru my veins.
It's all quite lovely really. I'm very happy in it as well.
This is how my day rolls on. At the worst of it I've forgotten to eat or ignored the pups urges to go out -
However, in the act of creating - I'm perfectly pleased with the simplicities of my designs. My ability to give happiness, light and love to someone thru art. I'm so lucky this is what I do for work.
I don't even really want to date. I'm perfectly happy and in love with my art. I have found loving relationships with friends and well to be honest, after my last relationship - steering clear of any kind of emotional attachment actually thrills me. I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me anymore.
But I recently realized that it never fails. Right before a deadline or a show - I start to date. I'll book myself full for an entire week of serial dating just to create angst. Just to give myself something to worry about. To stir up insecurites, question myself, my talent, who I really am. Put myself in front of a stranger. Try to be pretty, sexy, smart, and most importantly true to myself SIMPLY for the fact that my art is better when I do this.
My art is better when I challenge myself to pick and choose what is most important to me.
The art always wins.
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I make new friends. Some of them become lovers - if only just once. I'm not concerned with them the next day; I'm just concerned with how it shows up in my work.
That is how I channel my angst.
It's also why I spent today missing someone. An entire collection of artwork dedicated to him. He has no idea how many paintings tell the story of what I was going thru. He came to my most recent show and I asked him how it felt to stand in a room where the artist thought about him while creating most of the work. He laughed me off. Not wanting to acknowledge or allow the heaviness of it in. It's fine. Those words were something I wanted to give him. I learned to selflessly love someone because of him. I am grateful. I miss him. I love him. He made me a better artist.
Like I said...Most of my days are pretty simple.
xo
