I wonder if anyone out there understands...
as I now do;
how difficult it is to be an artist.
To have something so big inside of you that it
veers you off every other path you've tried to take;
and put's you right back here.
In front of yourself.
I curse my struggle every day. I've wanted for so long
to not have this inside of me...this need to create.
To be creative...
To set my fears free. Expose myself to it all;
and accept the punches with the compliments as they
each have their place.
Accept my own punches and my own compliments -
that's a whole other unaddressable thing.
This urge to be an artist....has pretty much destroyed
everything in my life. I have become solely focused on just it.
On what it was going to take to get me to go deep enough
inside of myself to find out where it's been and/or is.
This is all because of a little book I read years ago.
Letters to A Young Poet by Rilke. I mention it often as it
is the reason for me getting to this point. Without having
read it I don't know if I would have ever truly understood
the question I was someday going to have to seriously ask myself.
I recently re-read the book on a train ride to NY to see a friend
I hadn't seen in too long.
I was truly looking for the page that posed the above question. After
numerous flips and turns...I decided the best solution to finding it was
to simply read the book; and enjoy it again. I'd say it had been a good
8 years since I read it last.
Everything was there.
Every single thing I had been through for the past year was
laid out before me.
I thought to myself...how could this possibly be true.
The want to create;
not out of need...but out of the
source that created the need in the first place.
Then to actually find that place; almost by chance.(or maybe not)
and have it give it all back to you.
The joy of that vision is unmatchable.
The feeling inside that you found the Royal Checker;
that you truly thought you had to look outward for inspiration,
for reason...for validation.
When it was really inward and you just needed to honestly;
whole heartily ask the fucking question...for real.
Does anyone else understand what I'm talking about?
Note:
The above artwork is titled "Piano Window".
Here's a few things I don't think I told anyone;
well maybe one person MIGHT know.
I accidentally glued the green box in upside down -
so the entire artwork suddenly changed; I suppose I didn't
realize it until the glue was dried.
Where there should have been panic (because I'm OCD, ADD, psychotic
whatever you want to call me)...was acceptance and excitement
that something new was going to happen.
This piece is my favorite in the whole collection.
Because of my "glue" mistake...it gave me the opportunity
to create The Jasper and Jill Window.
Probably my second favorite piece in the series.
The missing drawer in Piano Window gave me Jasper and Jill;
because I had this new opening in the bottom of the artwork
(that was completely unexpected)
I was able to make a hanging removable sculpture; that eventually
found its way into a little girls hand;
and a story that ended with Wanda Kline (one of the best
local landmark and coastal artists)
telling me I had made that little girls night
by simply letting the art be about her and not about me.
...and there was my Royal Checker.
(that little girl was the reason I was able to do what I did!
Because it's in there. It's exploding like a child imagination!
Of course this does in no way dismiss the other reason that I stated above...
which was (to clarify) that I don't seem to have too much of a choice
unless I give up on who I am supposed to be and
disappear into an existing...non-existence.)
No thanks. Read the book if you understand anything that I've
said...and also have this struggle inside of you. You just might
message me back that you totally understand what I'm talking about.
Either way. Message me back because this silly blog is much more
fun when people post good, positive (or negative) comments. As long
as it is in regards to art and music and appropriate context.
Next time I decide to open up this wizards box;
I'll tell you about the one and only professor I had
in college that truly changed my life. (insert suspense and
assumed interest here).
Oh..and the song (you thought you were getting away without one...
ha.ha...never! Is Echoes. By Pink Floyd.
Oh! I have been waiting for this one. You're welcome.
Echoes (this entire song is written throughout the entire
5 piece collection; the collection is titled
"In Search of the Royal Checker"
Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air
And deep beneath the rolling waves
In labyrinths of coral caves
The echo of a distant tide
Comes willowing across the sand
And everything is green and submarine.
And no-one called us to the land
And no-one knows the wheres or whys
But something stirs and something tries
And starts to climb towards the light
Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can
And no-one calls us to move on
And no-one forces down our eyes
And no-one speaks and no-one tries
And no-one flies around the sun
Cloudless everyday you fall upon my waking eyes
inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning (there needs to be !!! here)
And no-one sings me lullabies
And no-one makes me close my eyes
And so I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky
____________________________________
Epic. I have no other words to describe this song.
